And God Created Eve

Blondes

2006-09-21T10:48:00.000-07:00

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

&&&&&&&&

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.

" A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

&&&&&&&&&

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

&&&&&&&&&

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.

How Clever!

2006-09-02T07:29:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a well-known artist.

She told the artist, "Paint me with three-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful,red ruby pendant."

"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

Information please

2006-08-26T03:18:00.000-07:00

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked it up and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?"

He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Wrong number. Some guy looking for the weather office

.""How do you know?"

"He wanted to know if the coast was clear."

Dear Abby

2006-08-26T03:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything. What is worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating! Also, since he lost his job some years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch television while I work to pay the bills. And since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

****
Dear Clueless:
Dump him. You are a New York senator now. You don't need him.

Some Funny One-Liners

2006-06-20T22:08:00.000-07:00

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours - That's just for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days, then the mud fell off.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

A bum asked a fellow, "Give me $10 till payday."
The fellow responded, "When's payday?"
The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

wedding anniversary.

2006-06-20T22:01:00.000-07:00

Len was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!

"The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife wokeup, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small boxgift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,
brought the box back in the house.She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Len have been scheduled for Friday

The Five Secrets of a Perfect Relationship

2006-06-12T12:28:00.000-07:00

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooksand cleans from time to time, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and whodoesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is great in bed and wholikes to be with you.

5. It's very, very, very important that these four women don'tknow each other.

Disappointed??

2006-06-01T05:23:00.000-07:00

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby :Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What otherproblem can there be greater than this one ?"

*******
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy:It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles. Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

******
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

******
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you havemarried me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

******

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."

******
Interviewer to Millionaire : To whom do you owe yoursuccess as a millionaire?" Millionaire : "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer : "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire : A Billionaire

From all Men of this World

2006-05-28T13:18:00.000-07:00

Concerning the World cup 2006

Extremely important advice and recommendations to be passed on to wives,
girlfriends , fiance and other, sisters, daughters, etc. (actually to all women in
general) These rules are to be communicated prior to the World Cup in
June/July this year...

LIST OF RULES

1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006 , you should read the sports section of the
newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup,
and that way you will be able to join in the conversations.
If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you
will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any
exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose
it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind,
as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If
you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on
right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you to the
doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a
refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you
expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up
the baby that just fell from the second floor....it wont happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the
fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do
not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the
games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am,
unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is
losing, DO NOT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't worry, they'll
win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I
will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football
than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a
break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me
during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the
halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one"
game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend
time together".

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have
seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related
parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch
a game and his television and sound system is better than mine, we will be
there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as
important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you
have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we
can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World
Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because after this
comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League,
etc etc.

Marriage means ???

2006-05-12T08:25:00.000-07:00

Sarah dont let this intimidate you ;)

Cleverly Said !!

2006-05-07T23:27:00.000-07:00

1. When I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

2. I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

3. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates

4. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx

5. My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante

6. I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

7.I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope

8. Don't worry about avoiding temptation...as you grow
older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill

9.Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty...but every thing else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller

10. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal

who's changing the subject?

2006-05-07T23:21:00.000-07:00

Brian staggered into the house at two o'clock in the morning.
As he entered his bedroom, he found another man in bed withhis wife, Judy.Judy wife pushed the man off her and demanded to know where Brian had been until two o'clock in the morning.

Brian looked at his wife's lover and demanded, "Who the heck is this guy, and what is he doing in bed with you?"

Judy responded, "Don't go changing the subject! Where inthe heck have you been so late?"

Can men ever win an argument?????????

2006-03-31T02:45:00.000-08:00

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,?and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

*************

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

****************

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you?can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.???

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made?me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

****************

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking?around here and
you should do it, because that is your?job, and I can just wait for my coffee.

"Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it?is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee.

"Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me.

"So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages,that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

****************

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.?
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

He left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go andsee why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*******************

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft?before the masterpiece.

To the girls

2006-03-21T02:42:00.000-08:00

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.
*****
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
*****
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.Helen Hayes (at 73)-
****
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
*****
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
*****
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
*****
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
*****
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
*****
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
*****
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
*****
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
*****
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
*****
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
*****
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
*****
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.
******
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
*****
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
*****
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invadeanother country.
*****
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
*****
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.-
*****
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
*****
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
*****

About Marriage

2006-02-16T15:06:00.000-08:00

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

*******

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes,I am. I married the wrong man."

************
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine!"
***********
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

************

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

***********
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

**********
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

**********

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

*********

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all

**********

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

**********

A Woman's Prayer

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man ,
to love and to forgive him,
and for Patience, for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

*****************

an e-mail from hell

2006-01-31T15:08:00.000-08:00

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
His wife was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter in the address, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

live long

2006-01-23T12:50:00.000-08:00

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled.
"My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.""Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk." he explained.
"Gentlemen," he said, "I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

Daily Chores

2006-01-23T01:55:00.000-08:00

Marriage Quotes

2006-01-16T13:09:00.000-08:00

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

*****
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
*****
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

*****
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

*****

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

*****

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

*****

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

*****

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

*****

Missing

2006-01-16T12:47:00.000-08:00

A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.

Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him.

Yet the feeling persisted.When he reached home his daughter ran out, stoppedshort, and cried: "Daddy, where's Mommy?"

The real reason

2006-01-16T12:41:00.000-08:00

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower

"honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

The new boots 18+

2006-01-16T12:21:00.000-08:00

An elderly couple are on holidays in the West.
Bob always wanted pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them,wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Martha?"

Martha looks him over, "Nope."
Bob says excitedly, "Come on, Martha, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Martha looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Bob storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Martha looks up and says, "Bob, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and the damn thing will be hanging down again tomorrow!

"Furious, Bob yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY THE SON OF A BITCH IS HANGING DOWN,MARTHA? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

To which Martha replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bob. ...... Shoulda bought a hat!!!

Keeping women in line..oh yea ;)

2006-01-16T12:05:00.000-08:00

The Secret To a Happy Marriage

2006-01-06T13:35:00.000-08:00

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in Arizona, " explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse.

We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and gently told the horse, "That's once." "We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time.

My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you CRAZY ?!?" She looked straight into my eyes with the gun still smoking and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."

Her Diary..His Diary

2006-01-06T13:22:00.000-08:00

HER DIARY

Sunday night I thought he was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there and watched T.V.; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he got up and went to sleep on the sofa.

I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today, we lost the football match.

Abu El abed..Again

2006-01-06T13:11:00.000-08:00

During work, Abou Abed and Abou Stef were chatting:

Abou Abed: Abou Stef, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

Abou Stef: Bahhh

Abou Abed: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

Abou Stef: No

Abou Abed: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876, if you take night courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

Abou Abed: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?

Abou Stef: No

Abou Abed: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

Abou Abed: And do you know who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?

Abou Stef: No

Abou Abed: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, Abou Stef got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Abou Ali el Zernbewi?

Abou Abed: No

Abou Stef: He's the guy sleeping with Em Abed, if you stop night courses, you would know this!!