Some Funny One-Liners

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours - That's just for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days, then the mud fell off.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.


Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

A bum asked a fellow, "Give me $10 till payday."
The fellow responded, "When's payday?"
The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.