Some Funny One-Liners

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours - That's just for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days, then the mud fell off.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.


Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

A bum asked a fellow, "Give me $10 till payday."
The fellow responded, "When's payday?"
The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

wedding anniversary.

Len was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!

"The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife wokeup, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small boxgift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,
brought the box back in the house.She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Len have been scheduled for Friday

The Five Secrets of a Perfect Relationship

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooksand cleans from time to time, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and whodoesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is great in bed and wholikes to be with you.

5. It's very, very, very important that these four women don'tknow each other.

Disappointed??

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby :Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What otherproblem can there be greater than this one ?"

*******
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy:It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles. Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

******
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

******
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you havemarried me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

******

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."

******
Interviewer to Millionaire : To whom do you owe yoursuccess as a millionaire?" Millionaire : "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer : "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire : A Billionaire