an e-mail from hell

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
His wife was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter in the address, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

live long

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled.
"My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.""Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk." he explained.
"Gentlemen," he said, "I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

Daily Chores

Marriage Quotes

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:


* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

*****
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
*****
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

*****
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

*****

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

*****

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

*****

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

*****

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

*****

Missing

A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.

Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him.

Yet the feeling persisted.When he reached home his daughter ran out, stoppedshort, and cried: "Daddy, where's Mommy?"

The real reason

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower

"honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

The new boots 18+

An elderly couple are on holidays in the West.
Bob always wanted pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them,wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Martha?"

Martha looks him over, "Nope."
Bob says excitedly, "Come on, Martha, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Martha looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Bob storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Martha looks up and says, "Bob, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and the damn thing will be hanging down again tomorrow!

"Furious, Bob yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY THE SON OF A BITCH IS HANGING DOWN,MARTHA? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

To which Martha replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bob. ...... Shoulda bought a hat!!!

Keeping women in line..oh yea ;)

The Secret To a Happy Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in Arizona, " explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse.

We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and gently told the horse, "That's once." "We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time.

My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you CRAZY ?!?" She looked straight into my eyes with the gun still smoking and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."

Her Diary..His Diary

HER DIARY

Sunday night I thought he was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there and watched T.V.; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he got up and went to sleep on the sofa.

I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY

Today, we lost the football match.

Abu El abed..Again

During work, Abou Abed and Abou Stef were chatting:

Abou Abed: Abou Stef, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

Abou Stef: Bahhh

Abou Abed: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

Abou Stef: No

Abou Abed: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876, if you take night courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

Abou Abed: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?

Abou Stef: No

Abou Abed: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

Abou Abed: And do you know who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?

Abou Stef: No

Abou Abed: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, Abou Stef got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Abou Ali el Zernbewi?

Abou Abed: No

Abou Stef: He's the guy sleeping with Em Abed, if you stop night courses, you would know this!!