Blondes

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

&&&&&&&&

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.

" A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

&&&&&&&&&

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

&&&&&&&&&

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.

How Clever!

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a well-known artist.

She told the artist, "Paint me with three-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful,red ruby pendant."

"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

Information please

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked it up and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?"

He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Wrong number. Some guy looking for the weather office

.""How do you know?"

"He wanted to know if the coast was clear."

Dear Abby

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything. What is worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating! Also, since he lost his job some years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch television while I work to pay the bills. And since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

****
Dear Clueless:
Dump him. You are a New York senator now. You don't need him.

Some Funny One-Liners

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours - That's just for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days, then the mud fell off.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.


Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

A bum asked a fellow, "Give me $10 till payday."
The fellow responded, "When's payday?"
The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

wedding anniversary.

Len was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!

"The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife wokeup, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small boxgift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,
brought the box back in the house.She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Len have been scheduled for Friday

The Five Secrets of a Perfect Relationship

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooksand cleans from time to time, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and whodoesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is great in bed and wholikes to be with you.

5. It's very, very, very important that these four women don'tknow each other.

Disappointed??

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby :Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What otherproblem can there be greater than this one ?"

*******
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy:It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles. Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

******
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

******
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you havemarried me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

******

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."

******
Interviewer to Millionaire : To whom do you owe yoursuccess as a millionaire?" Millionaire : "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer : "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire : A Billionaire

From all Men of this World

Concerning the World cup 2006

Extremely important advice and recommendations to be passed on to wives,
girlfriends , fiance and other, sisters, daughters, etc. (actually to all women in
general) These rules are to be communicated prior to the World Cup in
June/July this year...

LIST OF RULES

1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006 , you should read the sports section of the
newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup,
and that way you will be able to join in the conversations.
If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you
will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any
exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose
it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind,
as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If
you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on
right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you to the
doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a
refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you
expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up
the baby that just fell from the second floor....it wont happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the
fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do
not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the
games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am,
unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is
losing, DO NOT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't worry, they'll
win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I
will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football
than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a
break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me
during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the
halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one"
game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend
time together".

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have
seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related
parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch
a game and his television and sound system is better than mine, we will be
there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as
important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you
have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we
can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World
Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because after this
comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League,
etc etc.